This Song

46 & 2 by Tool

My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in
I wanna feel the changes coming down
I wanna know what I've been hiding in

My shadow..My shadow
Change is coming through my shadow
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within

My shadow
Change is coming
Now is my time

Listen to my muscle memory
Contemplate what I've been clinging to
Forty six and two ahead of me

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through

See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me
Soften this old armor
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side
Step into the shadow
Forty six and two are just ahead of me

This interpretation is not mine, I just found it on the internet. I don't know who wrote it or I would credit them.

"This is one of Tool's most amazing songs, and really sums up the entire theme of Ænima. This song is about growing, changing, and moving towards the next level of human evolution and conciousness. It's deeply rooted in Jungian theory.

Basically, it's believed that there are three levels of human evolution and each has it's form of conciousness. There's the 1st level with 44 chromosomes. These are primitive peoples like the ancient aborigines in Australia who did not percieve anything outside of themselves. They only saw one large conciousness with no distinguishment between organisms.

Then there's the second level with 46 chromosomes. That is us. We are a chaotic disharmonic conciousness that is basically used as a stepping stone between the first and third levels.

The third level is 48 chromosomes. (Or 46 & 2, with 2 being the sex chromosomes x & y). This is the higher level of conciousness. Our destination.

This is where the Jungian theory comes in. It is believed that you can not reach this third level of evolution without first delving into yourself and basically cleansing your conciousness for the next jump. That's where the Shadow comes in. The shadow is basically everything about you that is unseen that you are uncomfortable with or hate. This is also known as the Anima (hence the name of the CD).The last part of the song sums all of this up...

"See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me
Soften this old armor
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side
Step into the shadow
Forty six and two are just ahead of me .."

Resilience

So, I had a conversation today with a psychologist. I had spoken to him on a couple of occasions before, but he isn't a regular therapist to me or anything. He said something to me about how people just 'go numb' after a while as a part of their coping mechanism.

He said my refusal to numb myself to my emotional pain is interesting. Instead of deafening myself to the rumble, as he put it, i just keep throwing myself against it again and again. Then he offered me a perspective that I had not considered.

He told me that this showed great resilience. Most people create a wall because they don't want to face the pain. They surround themselves with distractions and anything else to escape. He said the fact that I keep trying to battle this instead of just surrendering and running away showed a large amount of emotional toughness. Then he asked me why I do it.

I know why I do it. It's because I want to figure myself out. I want to know myself so that the types of event driven pain that I am suffering from right now are manageable if they happen again.

My problem is that these things overwhelm me far more often than I would ever tell him. I still keep trying to face them down. I don't know if I'll win or if I'll succumb to the despair...but it almost doesn't matter. It is insignificant in the face of the completeness I am hoping to find.

The loss of a parent and the loss of my marriage are both very recent. Sometimes I want to vomit, sometimes I write, and sometimes I hit things. I just don't want to be hurting from these things years from now. I want to understand suffering and the way it affects me. In my mind, it is the only way to truly 'cope'.

My Right Leg

This is a picture of my latest tattoo. It was a personal idea,

I was glad to find an artist that could illustrate it so well.

If any of you live in San Antonio and like this piece, her name is Bachi and she works at Tiki Tattoo. It's located just off of Fort Sam Houston on Harry Wurzbach and Rittiman.

Just Say No

Obviously not mine,

but funny.

Thanks, Jason, for bringing this to my attention.

Coming Home Late

I feel sorrow for all that has happened.
It's not her responsibility to walk through all these dark places.
She says freedom...
Details of the night crisp in her head, but blissfully slide into vagueness as the taste of alcohol disperses from the tounge and fades
sinks
slowly from the blood
Leaving the mind free to place the details wherever they need to be in order to create the best possible narrative.

Another Place

Death is not to be feared, just another place...real choice, one of where to be...
Whichever you prefer.

Two Kingdoms

Heart is beating in my forehead, nagging thoughts...
Strange, it does not belong there.
A cavity in my chest;
Used the mind to consider feelings so much that the border between two kingdoms has dissolved into abstraction...
intermingling...
incestuous...
Mind dominates(absorbs?)a weak heart.
Feelings poison rational thought, guiding the core of their existence into oblivion.

Introduce Yourself

'I choose to live and to grow, take and give and to move, learn and love and to cry, kill and die, and to be paranoid and to lie, hate and fear and to do what it takes to move through.' -Maynard James Keenan (Lyrics from the Tool song "46 & 2")

Part of this is about all the parts of me that need an outlet, the parts that can't be expressed in society without driving people away. Part of it is about just sharing things that I find relevant, cool, or interesting.

I am an outwardly confident person that suffers from depression. I am afraid to express it in my day to day life for fear of being judged. I, like any other human being, want to be happy and want to have harmony in my life and in my associations. These things are hard to attain when there is no harmony inside of myself.

So any readers can have a clear picture, I am an attractive and generally outgoing person. I smile a lot and have nice things to say about the people around me. I help my neighbors do things without being asked, I hold doors for strangers, and I stop when I see people stalled on the side of the road and offer them either my cell phone or a ride.

I also had a difficult childhood that I don't really talk much about, bouts with suicidal thoughts, several battles with substance abuse, and have been to court for several petty crimes. Most people who meet me now would never guess any of these things about me. I have steady employment, live in my own home, and generally appear to have a good life.

I suffer from a lot of dark thoughts. I don't look at them as a complete negative, but I feel that if I don't express them I will never understand them and as a consequence, never understand myself. Somewhere in all this inner turmoil is the person who I am meant to be. This blog is an attempt to wade into the coldest waters of my mind and heart.